Memory Lane-

As, my 35th Birthday approaches I have begun to take inventory of myself and have felt the need to take a walk down memory lane a bit. So much has changed in my life on an exterior level but, what about the inside? Internally, the 30's have been an awaking of sorts for me. All the fears & doubts that plagued me as a teen seem to have been washed away and I am finding an inner strength I never knew I had. How many of you feel "If only I had known then what I know now?"
Its not even a matter of knowledge as much as, a sense that I used to feel discomfort in my own skin. Much of my adolescence was spent scrutinizing myself. I pined for lucidity. for simplicity, mostly for validation. As much from myself as from others. I acted out in ways that were unbecoming & always detested the reaction I would get ,back then. My teens were all about craving. I found myself stretching boundaries in both my familial relationships and in the powerful friendships I had cultivated. I was so self important that I didn't really value my impact on other people. Let's just say that I burned a lot of bridges. Looking back, I feel a huge sense of sorrow for my choices. I sincerely hope that those that knew me understand that my lack of self awareness was why I had so much trouble.
Becoming a wife and a mother has truly humbled me. The maternal drive in me forced me to give pause to my tangibility. Motherhood was so inundating at first because I had been so hedonistic as a young woman. My feelings of entitlement handicapped me for a very long time. My atonement came with the first breath of life my son breathed. Holding him, I could feel the optimism in me turn on. The profound love I felt for my children transformed my soul in the deepest part of me. The unfolding that has come about from maturing makes me elated for what is yet to come. I relish the daily challenge of problem solving and facing life. My twenties were when I learned what it meant to have "substance". Previously, it meant the chemicals I put into my body to alter my awareness. My belief had been that life was ,somehow enhanced by exploring the world of different mood-altering substances . This idea began to grow stale over the passage of time. I wake up constantly with gratitude for the simple act of being alive. The only negative to this is my cognizance of the fact that life is unpredictable. I am extremely aware of it's fragility. Loving so unconditionally and being open means I am vulnerable to loss. I try to keep my fears and doubts in check but, I see my parents and try to imagine them in 20 years. Since birth, my greatest fear has been losing my parents. Since becoming a mother, this fear is compounded by my natural worries for my offspring. The same goes for being a wife. Love is sincerely a leap of faith on every level.The saying that "each day is gift" has taken on a whole new meaning. While I have no hand in the length of my life, I certainly can control it's quality. With this in mind, I glimpse towards my fragmentary existence with conviction. I yearn to maintain this as I age. I anticipate that this optimism will become even more a second nature as the process of maturing continues to shift the paradigm of my life's view. Isn't this what we all desire? This will be my ambition for my 35th year. This will be what I set my heart upon.