Memory Lane-

As, my 35th Birthday approaches I have begun to take inventory of myself and have felt the need to take a walk down memory lane a bit. So much has changed in my life on an exterior level but, what about the inside? Internally, the 30's have been an awaking of sorts for me. All the fears & doubts that plagued me as a teen seem to have been washed away and I am finding an inner strength I never knew I had. How many of you feel "If only I had known then what I know now?"
Its not even a matter of knowledge as much as, a sense that I used to feel discomfort in my own skin. Much of my adolescence was spent scrutinizing myself. I pined for lucidity. for simplicity, mostly for validation. As much from myself as from others. I acted out in ways that were unbecoming & always detested the reaction I would get ,back then. My teens were all about craving. I found myself stretching boundaries in both my familial relationships and in the powerful friendships I had cultivated. I was so self important that I didn't really value my impact on other people. Let's just say that I burned a lot of bridges. Looking back, I feel a huge sense of sorrow for my choices. I sincerely hope that those that knew me understand that my lack of self awareness was why I had so much trouble.
Becoming a wife and a mother has truly humbled me. The maternal drive in me forced me to give pause to my tangibility. Motherhood was so inundating at first because I had been so hedonistic as a young woman. My feelings of entitlement handicapped me for a very long time. My atonement came with the first breath of life my son breathed. Holding him, I could feel the optimism in me turn on. The profound love I felt for my children transformed my soul in the deepest part of me. The unfolding that has come about from maturing makes me elated for what is yet to come. I relish the daily challenge of problem solving and facing life. My twenties were when I learned what it meant to have "substance". Previously, it meant the chemicals I put into my body to alter my awareness. My belief had been that life was ,somehow enhanced by exploring the world of different mood-altering substances . This idea began to grow stale over the passage of time. I wake up constantly with gratitude for the simple act of being alive. The only negative to this is my cognizance of the fact that life is unpredictable. I am extremely aware of it's fragility. Loving so unconditionally and being open means I am vulnerable to loss. I try to keep my fears and doubts in check but, I see my parents and try to imagine them in 20 years. Since birth, my greatest fear has been losing my parents. Since becoming a mother, this fear is compounded by my natural worries for my offspring. The same goes for being a wife. Love is sincerely a leap of faith on every level.The saying that "each day is gift" has taken on a whole new meaning. While I have no hand in the length of my life, I certainly can control it's quality. With this in mind, I glimpse towards my fragmentary existence with conviction. I yearn to maintain this as I age. I anticipate that this optimism will become even more a second nature as the process of maturing continues to shift the paradigm of my life's view. Isn't this what we all desire? This will be my ambition for my 35th year. This will be what I set my heart upon.

Boys Versus Girls

When I became pregnant with my 3rd child, it was a stark contrast from my first two. Everything started to smell rancid to me. With both my son's pregnancies I craved odd foods & the only thing that was off limits was eggs.With my daughter's pregnancy the air smelled foul! The eating process took on a life of its own as I simultaneously feared & craved food, while forming the little human inside me. I had something called hyperemesis with Alexia. This meant that I grew accustomed to vomiting so often, I began feeling empathy for those with eating disorders. I vomited so violently that I wet my pants every time it happened. I remember the first time I had to strap on an adult diaper. Pregnancy taught me to be thankful for having all my faculties, and to have a whole, new respect for my good health. It also taught me that I had little control ,as far as, how my body would react to different stimuli. From the get go, I suspected that I was having a girl. This made it all worthwhile, since I wanted to have the experience of having a daughter. My mom & I have a close relationship. It was this, that got me through the many months of hell.
There is Greek saying that says that you can tell the sex of the baby you're having by how you look throughout the pregnancy. The idea is that by having a female child you pass on your beauty to her while pregnant. Let's just say, if we went with this idea, there was no doubt that my offspring was female. I also, got something called melasma. It's called " the mask of pregnancy". I look at pictures during this time and feel the need to hug my husband. It wasn't pretty! This, countered with the fact that three is a good number, is why Nik & I have decided to close the door on future babies. I can't imagine going through this process again.
Having three kids has presented some issue's ,however. Three is an odd number. Alexia gets pulled into a daily tug-of-war of being on "team Nik" or "team Andy". Nikolas has no shame! He straight out bribes her by offering goods like his snack or a coveted toy to win her loyalty. Andreas is more subtle. He makes up secret handshakes & tries to convince her that Nik is secretly taking her allowance money(which, unfortunately, he is the actual culprit since she confides in him where it's hidden). She is four so she has yet to figure out this minor detail.
The other issue I have is that because Alexia has only brothers she wants to be a boy. She doesn't like to be called "pretty". She will correct, even strangers, by saying she is "handsome & awesome". Anything containing feminine undertones is considered depravity to her. For the past few months she has been trying to pee "tanding up". Our bathroom toilets already were getting a beating because Andy & Nik wake up at night and try to aim while still in a dream state. One night, Andreas literally pee'd next to the toilet, all over the floor. He said he was dreaming that he was outside because our shower curtain has a "spring scene" with plants and flowers on it. Thankfully, Alexia is starting to realize that she just isn't equipped with the right unit for vertical urination.
I try to quiet that little voice that creeps up when holding a friends baby that says "you want one for yourself". I try to remember all the challenges I have had when bringing a new life into the world. As I've mentioned before, God has a sense of humor, so he makes us get amnesia. This has to hold truth because if a woman could remember all the sleepless nights and aches & pains clearly, she would give pause to doing it all over again. I think it's worse for some than others because people like "Octomom" seem to have been dealt the worst of this affliction. Well, her and the TLC family,the Duggars. This woman might need to go see someone because she's so far on the left of the continuum that shock treatments might need to be considered. When you have so many that you need to ask half your kids to "take on a buddy" you might need to rethink your mental health. Last time I checked, having more kids to help parent the existing one's seems a little odd. From a logical standpoint this theory seems a bit like "the tail wagging the dog" wouldn't you agree?
Thankfully, so far, my memories of experiences ,while faded, have stayed neon in my mind. Nik(my husband), on the other hand, may just need to strap on a pregnancy suit for a day, but, that's a whole other blog.
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