So, judging by the title of this blog I'm sure you've ascertained that it's a horror story. It actually is a horror story but, not the kind you are used to hearing. This is a different breed all together. There's no blood and gore but, I assure you, sleep deprivation is a scary thing. It's used as a form of torture for soldiers in training and with good reason! It messes you up! If you have any friends with baby fever, just email them this blog entry. It should cure it right up!
Ok, so here it goes. My night from HELL:
We have family in town visiting and so our normal routine has gone out the window this week. Who knew that an 8 month old child could possibly sense this? These little humans have spidey senses. They can sense when things are "off". My sister in law is visiting. She is also my wee sons Godmother. Let me just say that if you wanted to witness pure and delirious love, just watch my sister- in- law with my infant son. She would probably have sucked his little cheeks right off his face if I would've let her this week. She is completely and utterly in love with my son. She also came to visit when my baby boy was 2 months old. To help me, she rocked my little angel to sleep by gently swaying and humming. He remembers this, because babies are like elephants and can recall ALL kinds of things that we are not aware of. Their brains are like sponges or something, or so I've read. Ok, so back to the night in question. My baby boy not only has an excellent memory but, I've discovered that he is somewhat passive aggressive. He doesn't cry when he sees me walk into a room and he wants me to hold him. No, not my boy! He moans while giving my eye-daggers then promptly bites the poor unsuspecting victim who's holding him! Remember the biting thing because we will come back to it again.
So, last night we decided to watch a movie at midnight. Why not? We can sleep when we are dead! Carpe Diem and all that jazz... I never said I was the brightest candle on the cake now did I?
Anywho, so my baby went to bed at 9:30pm and then awoke, as usual, at midnight to nurse. "Cootie" as I like to call him, is like clockwork. He has a routine and as a parent who believes in attachment parenting, I have followed my baby's lead on when he eats and sleeps. Never the less, it was a good routine. UNTIL....he woke up at midnight and instead of going back to sleep, sensed that we were all wide awake and followed suit. Cootie was bright eyed and bushy tailed until 2am, when we all went to bed. Only, he was so wound up that he wouldn't fall asleep nursing next to me like usual. No, he wanted to be rocked and hummed to... If I tried to lay him next to me to nurse he would BITE ME. He wouldn't break the skin but, let me assure you that even with only three teeth, a gentle bite on your nipples feels like a baby shark is nursing! You might be wondering right about now how I knew that my wee lamb wanted to be coddled and rocked and hummed to. I knew because if I held my baby boy in the cradle position, he would physically move himself left to right while humming to HIMSELF! If I stopped humming he would begin to hum but, in a very aggressive manner and give me the stink eye. A few times I felt myself dozing off while humming. What woke me from this relaxed state was a a little "shark nip" administered by little "Cootie". This fun little dance went on and on for what seemed like hours. Finally, he fell asleep. This is where things got tricky. You see, as a mom, I've learned to develop special talents. Get your mind out of the gutter....not "THOSE" kinds of talents! No, special abilities that only moms seem to comprehend. Putting my wee lamb down in his bed without waking him is a very delicate situation. When you have rocked and hummed and have been bitten numerous times, you have worked too hard to have all of it just thrown down the drain! So, you must place the baby in his bed in a particular way. There is no breathing during these few moments so it helps if you have a diving certificate from your pre-baby days. You can practice this skill when you take baths by holding your breath while using an egg timer. The key is to learn to be completely motionless WHILE imparting a feeling of comfort and warmth to your infant. It sounds much easier than it actually is. It takes practice & experience. Thankfully, as a mom of four, I have had that, so I was able to get my Cootie into his bed, which is right next to mine, in a matter of seconds.
Then, this is the other tricky part, I had to some how crawl into my bed without the motion waking him up. Once again, practice is key here. Doing drills with your husband may help. Also, playing hide and go seek in the dark with your other children can be useful to hone in on your special "mommy talents". Speaking of my husband, you might be wondering where he is during this everlasting night. He layed down at 2:00am and was in dreamland promptly by 2:02am. You see, fathers don't seem to notice when there is movement or sound in the room. I think they must have dull senses because they have to be able to sleep through their very own LOUD, bomb-like snoring. They all seem to be extremely heavy sleepers. For some reason, they don't hear the baby crying. I often wonder, as I am sitting there nursing my baby for the 15th time by 5am how the hell our offspring would survive if men could nurse. I know that it's no accident that women were given this role. Men just don't seem to notice noises at night. I on the other hand, have bat-like hearing, when I am trying to sleep. I should say, I have that kind of hearing now that I am a mother. Prebaby, I was much like my husband, sleeping peacefully despite an alarm going off for hours.
So, I crawl into my bed while I hold my breath and move without really moving, doing it in steps, so as to get comfortable. It is now 3am. My husband, who is dead to the world, does not realize we are supposed to be holding our breath so he COUGHS and snores then COUGHS again.
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, WAAAAAAAAAHHH, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Cootie is up.....again. I bring him into bed with me and try to tickle his back and begin nursing him. I start to fall asleep. I think I even started to dream then..... OUCH, he nips me and starts rocking and humming HIMSELF in the bed. NO, not this again, I think to myself but, he is determined. Every time I try to fall back asleep my wee little lad keeps nipping my poor girlie bits.
So, I wake up and cuddle my baby boy in my arms and start the hhhhmmm, hhhhmmmm,hhhmmmm, rock, sway, hhhhmmm,hhhhmmmm, rock, sway.
I feel him let go. Heavy weight in my arms. It's now 3:49am. Again, I do the special holding breath thing and place him in his bassinet. I sneak into my bed with the utmost care, careful not to breath or move too much. I have to pee but, I don't care, I just decide to try and pretend that I don't. Have you ever done this while falling asleep? It's all I can think about but, I can't risk that much movement. I've worked too hard! So, out of sheer exhaustion, I start to fall asleep.
THEN, in walks my 6 year old. BABAAAAAA(daddy in Greek). BABAAAAA!!!! (6 year olds don't know that sound travels)
WAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAH! (The baby wakes up)
My husband.....is.....still......snoring.
I hush my daughter and tell her to get in my bed. She starts to fall back asleep. I pick the baby up and start the rocking and humming. At this point, I am delirious. I think I may even be hallucinating because I swear I hear I cat meowing. This would be fine except we don't own any cats. I do the breath holding thing and put the baby down. I crawl into the bed and, once again, ignore the full bladder. I start to fall asleep.
COUGH, COUGH, COUGH....snore.
I wait. I hold my breath instinctively because.....well, just because.
Nothing. Whew!
I'm in the clear. My eyes are blurry but, I think the clock says 4:46am.
I close my eyes and start to allow myself to drift off.
It's quiet.
For all of a minute and a half.
"Mamaaaaaaaa, I'm thiiiiiiirsty. Can you get me some waaaaater" says my daughter.
WAAAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!
"ZZZZZzzzzzzzz" my husband is still snoring.
This is the "Night from Hell", mommy style.
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